What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:14
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What is the cost of implementing synchronized traffic lights in a mid-sized city?
Im still living with it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Why do people always talk about Ohio as it's a dangerous city?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
My family never makes their pension either.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Are you afraid to get married and why?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do people have to be a pastor to baptize?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
He knew the spot.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I will be 64.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One cannot live in the past .
I was 9 years of age.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She found it foreign!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
I waited trembling.
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
She was in good health!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My life is so biszare .
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i lived it daily.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Put me off passion for life!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I have no regrets .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And who doesn’t know suffering?